Blogger, gamer, proud blond and overall transgender geek chick!

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Pretending to be Man

It's been over a year since I decided to halt my transition from male to female and be Julie. When I made this decision I thought it was the right thing to do because I thought it would make my wife happier but it didn't. The primary reason my wife wasn't happy was because of my stress; it makes new depressed, causes my anxiety and worst of all I get angry and take it out on myself... Sometimes I yell and sometimes I will hit myself.

At first, I was okay with being no gender. In fact, I told my wife that in two years I would resume my transition and that way my wife would have time to finish her Master's Degree and she'd be able to take care of herself financially but that wasn't anything close to what she wanted me to say. In July 2013, I started a new job as male and it was a great job: small tech company with free food everyday and anytime I want and it was only 15 minutes away from home, but with me stating my goal, three weeks passed and Kelly decided to go down to Texas with the intention of kicking me out yet again... She did not tell me until she was already in Dallas. When I was able to get a ride home, I found my stuff on the porch and had to break in to my own house. I called my dad that lived in Altus, OK, and stayed with him for a week. At first I felt sad and had an attitude of, "Fuck her, I will become a woman again and to hell with what she thinks!", but ultimately I got back with Kelly and had her throw out my entity female wardrobe.. Nearly $1000 worth of clothes, makeup and jewelry. That was very difficult to do.

As things went along, I got another job and her mom made more accusations like she had before (as I've mentioned in other posts), and things for a while were good until June of 2014. I received a job offer in Dallas so we moved and it was hell: robbed by movers on or very first day, a shitty duplex that was too much, having our mail stolen, and then when my company decided to relocate their office, it was too far and a moving attempt resulted in fraud. We were left without any choice and Kelly decided to move to her mom's in Bay City, TX and I moved back with my dad in Altus. So now we were 600 miles away and I wanted to become Julie again. After much talk, Kelly and the kids are with me again and I have expressed my desire to Kelly, leaving her yet again feeling unsettled with my whole journey. I'm not going to immediately dive in this time. I've confirmed with Kelly that my stress issues are still the primary conflict we have in our marriage and I've stated my full intention on to getting treatment and have asked her to reconsider if I do this for myself and the family with her only answer being a doubtful "I don't know." I can't lose her again but to be Julie is what I ultimately need.

My hair is longer again and I've started a low calorie diet with exercise and hopefully after all of this, I will be a better person.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Goodbye Julie, I will not forget you.

Follow me on G+ for further updates!

Trigger Warning: This blog post talks about a topic that many individuals in the transgender community do not like to talk about and that is de-transitioning. It has left a "black mark" on my reputation in the trans community and I hope you will read this post without judging me. If you are an individual that is struggling with your transition and are thinking about giving up: DON'T. This situation is unique and I am mostly happy with how I am now, but I do not want this post to influence anyone to give up on their transition as their life, I guarantee, is completely different than mine. Please read this cautiously!!

My name was Julie Schippnick. I lived from April 2011 to March 2013... while I didn't make it to two years old, it was some of the craziest and best times of my personal identity. I felt free in a lot of ways but trapped at the same time. As I've mentioned previously in other blog posts and to my nearly 25,000 followers on G+ I never took the extra step of going on hormones to change my body's physiology. Friends and people I barely knew on the Internet always offered to either send me the hormones from their own supply or pay for them directly if I went to places like Planned Parenthood or medical consent clinics and I turned them down primarily for two reasons: being too scared and I didn't want to because of my wife Kelly.

If you've been following my blog for a while you'd already know that in February of this year (2013) Kelly had kicked me out and I was forced to stay in a hotel for a week because we just weren't willing to compromise on my individuality being set on becoming Julie. Both my wife and I weren't willing to budge because I wanted to be free and she just wanted her husband back; what I was doing was completely selfish in every way. Giving up the love of my life plus my perfect children just wasn't something I could go through. Imagine this: you've been married for seven years (at that time) and your spouse is telling you to leave forever and that you'd never have a normal relationship with your kids... I just couldn't do it. Well, I thought I was just going to still go through it all with getting my own apartment and transition no matter what Kelly or anyone else says and while in the end I lost my job because of my instability with my depression, anxiety, and a whole mess of different phobias I hit a low point.

After I lost my job (mind you I got fired after coming back to work from short term disability because I wasn't ready to really go back), I did get back with Kelly on the promise that I would no longer pursue being a woman and be a man again and at that time I was super certain that I could do this but as time kept going on, my hair was still long and we still had problems due to the interference of her mother I started to immediately regret my decision. What was I supposed to do? I didn't feel like anything had improved since getting back with Kelly and I told her that I still wanted to do this... so I applied for jobs all over the country and ultimately was offered a job in Philadelphia and immediately started fielding friends on various social networks I could stay with until I got in a good position to finally take care of my family and when I had to pack for my trip I packed some of my male clothes and nearly all of my female clothes because I was most certainly going to transition. I suppose fate was telling me something when the flight got cancelled and the job offer was rescinded as I could not show up for my first day of orientation. On the way home that night after Kelly picked me up some nearly two hours after my flight got cancelled, I told Kelly I would hold off on my whole transition for two years, which would have been around the time she would graduate with her Master's Degree in Psychology and that is an answer she did not want to hear.

Dec 2012.. when I took this picture I thought everything would
be just fine. How I kidded myself so much.. I was so naive then.

I was lucky enough to start a new job with a really nice tech company at the end of July and I was still pretty much set on re-transitioning back to Julie after that two year period and this was something that Kelly dwelled on inside of her mind for several weeks because one day when I was at work she just stopped talking to me completely via phone and text. I was really worried because any time Kelly cut herself off from communicating with me she was usually one of two things or both: angry or afraid. As she had the car at the time she dropped me off that morning, we kissed and said our "love yous" and I thought it was going to be a great day and I already knew in my mind that she was kicking me out again as this was the same thing that happened the last two times so I did what anyone else in this situation would do and I was able to secure a ride home that night and when I got home I saw all of my stuff in a laundry basket on the front porch and the locks were changed. Now, being my house I had every right to gain entry but I wasn't just going to vandalize or break a window to get in which meant I called my dad and he drove up from Altus, OK to Edmond and we got inside by breaking the lock, packed up everything else that I needed such as my computer, some more of my clothes and my personal items and headed down to Altus, OK for the next five days while I coped with what just happened. 

Every day I was down there with my dad I was extremely somber and I didn't leave the bed unless I had to eat or use the toilet and as I was getting eaten up by pill bugs and who knows what else was living in that bed, I contemplated about killing myself because I was so lonely without Kelly and over that period we re-bonded via text messages, phone calls, and even Google+ hangouts from mobile and I informed her that I was thinking about just de-transitioning altogether because living without her and the kids just wasn't something I wanted to do; I would be dead inside forever. Now please be mindful, I am not trying to vilify Kelly in any way and I only see her as unfairly misguided by her evil mother. Things have been tough without any sort of income, having to sell off things I wish I didn't have to part with (Nintendo 3DS, PS3 games, Fish Tank, etc) I think things would be a million times worse if I didn't have my family. 

I will miss being Julie and while that is in the past, I still consider myself transgender... maybe not genderqueer, intersexed or any of the other terms under the trans umbrella but I will not forget a single moment of what I've been through and I think I'm unique in that I was able to live a nearly two full years as a woman which allowed me to get a pretty good perspective and even more respect for what women, not just trans-women, go through every day of their life.

So thank you Julie, I love you.

This is me now. I am reborn simply as J. 

Now this doesn't mean I'm done blogging! No, that is not going to happen but I feel like this blog is no longer home to someone who is not Julie. I am starting a new blog which you can check me out over at:

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Year of Julie

Follow me on G+ for further updates!

First post of the year, so happy 2013 to everybody!

2012 was a beast of a year with going through my second year of transition (sans HRT), but for 2013 things will hopefully be the year that things finally go my way. Yes, I will continue to fight depression but I have to keep things in perspective to also fight for myself.

For 2013, I will make it the "Year of Julie"... there will be three major goals that I plan to achieve that I believe will not help me with my transition, but will also help me be a better parent and a better personal overall.

  1. Self Identity

    This is perhaps the most important goal for the year of 2013, physically becoming who I need to be. Sure, people say I look great and I pass like 90% of the time when I'm online, out in public, at work or at home... but until I actually begin hormones, have my name legally changed... I will still feel like a man. Between now and March, I will be trying to scrounge up the funds to get my name legally changed because after following some very useful instructions for changing my name in Oklahoma  I think I've finally decided on my whole legal name change, get the $150 together for the change and get this thing all done because I feel that once this happens, I will begin to feel liberated again with who I am supposed to be.

    I also think I am finally building up the courage to walk into a salon and get my hair trimmed and styled because I haven't cut my hair since Jan 2011 when I last shaved my head in my last ditch effort on trying to be a macho male because my hair is just a mess... it looks good when up, but the dead ends on the longer parts are becoming too much of an eyesore that it is driving myself and others crazy. I obviously can't go and get my hair styled with Kelly because I feel more and more socially awkward around her in public than I ever have before, but I have one or two friends I think I can go with to feel comfortable enough to let someone else touch my hair. I definitely don't want my hair too short because I love my long hair especially when I feel it on my back and I don't want it to be too dead and fall off of my head which leads me to the most important goal...

    Hormone Replacement Therapy. I finally found a good therapist here in the Oklahoma City area that can help me, unfortunately Dr. Singleton does not take Magellan Employee Assistance for free therapy sessions, but once I have the funds to go in, get my referral letter and then hit up the endocrinologist for my very expensive prescription, I will finally start to physically develop into the woman I have always meant to be... this will probably help take the edge off of my depression and anxiety and I think once I begin HRT, I'll finally try to lay down the $1200 for electrolysis hair removal...

    Oh, and if you haven't already checked out my most recent voice attempts, definitely make sure to check them out... you might laugh at one of them!

  2. Rebuild the relationship with my dad

    In a stunning turn of events at the end of 2012, my dad finally reached out to me in nearly two years of silence by sending me a birthday card back in December. I was actually quite surprised to receive the birthday card because not only was it the first birthday card my dad sent me in over four years, but my dad actually put "Julie Schippnick" on the card. Of course, while this was an important gesture for him to do, it may have just been his way of announcing he is getting married for a third time and is going to have another child that he so desperately mentioned to me for over 20 years as I grew up with him... but I won't let that stop me in trying to keep an open communication line with him. I am using my most feminine voice I can put on with him, even more feminine than my regular speaking voice like I have something to prove to him. I do want to ask him if there is anyway he can help me financially with my transition, but asking anyone for money is always an awkward experience. No, I am not going to use him but I feel like maybe it'll make up for all of the years of hiding from myself and any time I tried to express who I was growing up was always treated with what I felt like was ridicule as if I couldn't meet his expectations as a child. He always wanted me to play sports and never show emotion and there were at least over a hundred different opportunities where I tried to hint or even straight-up tell him that I always believed myself to be a girl... and I know he's read my blog so I hope that if you are reading this maybe I won't have to ask you to your face; yes, I am still very scared.

  3. Focus on my children

    I need my children, all three of them plus the one that is on the way. I need to learn to distance myself from Kelly as we go through our divorce, try to be friends with her and I must remember that the children are the most important. When I finally move into my place (looking for a roommate ), I will make sure they will have their own room so when they come over they can sleep in a room to spend the night, have toys and other things. You know it's funny I always talk about my problems with living with my soon to be ex-wife, how difficult it is, etc and how people always make comments such as, "Move to another state", or "You should move out right away", they don't know how difficult that is. First off, I don't want to leave my kids alone here in Oklahoma because even though I really hate this state with nearly every fiber of my body I can't leave them behind; secondly, when my financial situation improves, get a second card and then maybe find a place to live I will move out but I will not leave Kelly alone during the last several months of pregnancy even if she does hate me, I can't just leave--I'm sorry.
Isn't Carson a big boy in his new bed?!?!

Of course, it's not going to be easy to achieve all of these goals, but as my best friend says, "If life wasn't hard, then it'd be boring", and she is right. I just hope I don't have to go through it all alone.

And lastly, has recently been moved to another web host. If someone knows CSS/PHP and think they can take Wordpress, just reach out to me on google plus, any help would be appreciated. 

    Monday, December 3, 2012

    Before Julie: Prayers of a Child

    Follow me on G+ for further updates!

    I'm leaning to the side because I broke my arm
    a month prior to this picture and they
    wouldn't let me wear my sling, so instead
    my cast was so heavy that it made me lean,
    I was always sad as a kid, being a little boy and knowing that becoming who I was meant to be would only remain a dream unless something drastic happened. Throughout my whole life I never really considered myself to be a religious person; I did go-to church, in fact many different types of churches, and I was always taught that God had a plan for us all and the way we were was the way we were meant to be... but I didn't always buy that. I was also taught that God always hears our prayers and for some reason believe that if you prayed hard enough that your prayers were be answered.

    I always had a tough time going to bed as a child because I was sad and there were many nights that I cried wondering why God would punish me in putting me in the body of a boy when I knew I was always meant to be born as a girl. Was this a cruel joke or "lesson" God was trying to teach me? And if so, why would such a omnipotent being like God play tricks on individuals... I knew I couldn't had been the only person in the whole world of all time that felt this same way. Every single night, I would always pray... I would pray to God that when I woke up in the morning that he'd take my penis away, give me a vagina and make me a pretty girl and every morning I woke up I would lose a little bit more faith as time passed on.

    This is how I know God does not exist. If God truly existed, I would have been born female instead of male because for me to be born this way... something during my fetal development must have happened. Sure, there is no concrete proof of this but logically something must have happened.

    As my faith waned and I went on through life, I know the only person who could be in control of my own destiny (besides my dad telling me what I can and cannot do, of course) was myself and thankfully for nearly two years I have been well on my way with my journey of becoming Julie. Yes, it's been a difficult one and I do wish things happened sooner but the important thing to remember is that I am making progress. Before I was Julie was had so much doubt in myself and didn't know what tomorrow would bring, and while there are many mysteries ahead as I continue to becoming the woman I've always meant to be, I will never forget what I've been through and I always try to take my past experiences and try to take the suffering I endured and hopefully use it to strengthen who I am today.

    Monday, November 19, 2012

    Transgender Married Life, Part IV

    Follow me on G+ for further updates!

     You can read Part 3 of 'Transgender Married Life' here.

    Oh depression, why won't you go away. I take several different medications and have been on everything across the prescription rainbow but nothing can take this pain away.

    On Saturday (that is November 17, 2012), after I got off of work me and Kelly had another talk. I sometimes like the talks that we have because while they are very sad, it helps makes things more clear on where things stand between us. Our oldest kids who could understand what is going on where at their grandmother's and we just sat at the kitchen table talking. No, she hasn't given me a reaction of the letter that I wrote her, and I don't think she will anytime soon... Kelly has always been the type of person that keeps thoughts, feelings and frustrations bottled up inside until they cause harm by blowing up in an explosion of stress and anger.

    So, to make things simple for her we played a game of "Yes or No", I would ask her a simple question and she would say Yes or No... yes implying either she felt a certain way or would allow a thing to happen.

    Hugs, no.
    Kisses, no.
    Saying "I love you", no.
    Talking to me on the phone when I'm at work on breaks, no.
    Sex, no (for more complicated reasons, trust me).
    Will keep the kids away from me, no.

    Misses me, yes.
    Wishes I'd be a boy again, yes.
    Good parent, yes.
    Wishes we didn't rush into marriage, yes.

    She does miss me, when I goto work or when she is gone for long periods of times from me.. which is sweet, but bittersweet because she does want to move past me... she said that I am not the same person that  she fell in love with. She also claims she was very surprised and didn't see it coming because of an appearance I put on... forget the fact I was always very feminine before I ever came out as trans to her. I was really shocked that she was shocked when I revealed who I felt I was always meant to be. Was I really that good at pretending to be male? I always wore my emotions and feelings on my sleeves... I always enjoyed the sensitive touch of her skin on mine... maybe it was because I wasn't loved much as a child or something, I'm not quite sure.

    She still says she doesn't know where we go from her, she obviously wants to get her degree, get a good paying job and leave me... I ask her if this is she wants and she remains silent, I guess that is the tell-tale sign when my greatest fears are true... when it is something she is against, she immediately says no, but when it is something that I know she doesn't want to say, she is silent and unfortunately I am right.

    I hate being right...

    I just hope that for once I am wrong and everything will be okay...

    Tuesday, November 13, 2012

    Transphobia and You, Part II

    Follow me on G+ for further updates!

    For the first part of my series talking about transphobia, click here!

    Even before I was openly trans, transphobic statements have always bothered me. I'm not talking about the blatant name like trap, tranny, shemale, lady-boy, or anything like that, I'm talking about those insensitive jokes that people think are funny when they chuckle about how a straight man, who believes they are only attracted to women, get confused by a trans-woman. You may be wondering why I've picked this very specific example and the reason why is because I probably see this more often on places like Twitter, Reddit, and Google+.

    Specifically, last month someone, (@GuyThe_Guy) who I did follow decided to post these highly insensitive comments.

    @julie2at is me and I'm sure you know who the other person is. (Just want to shout out
    mad respect to @stuxnetsource, while we disagree on many aspects regarding
    transgender culture, her heart is always in the right place.)

    Look, I can understand that some people like to joke around, but even after a friend and myself decided to educate these types of jokes can really hurt people, much like racist or sexist jokes, he just shrugged it off. This is a completely different sort of transphobia. This is not transphobia in which a person may be simply scared of transgender folks, but this is the type that is just a lack of empathy. Would this user feel the same way if he posted a racist joke? Unfortunately, I could not find out because I was promptly blocked for simply expressing my concerns. This seems to become a trend more and more as society grows, becomes more accepting of gay culture but I feel that understanding transgendered men and women is going to take at least another decade or more before we can feel accepted in society as much as anyone else...

    So please, for this Transgender Awareness Week please be very mindful what you say in public or online because words are very powerful and can be very hurtful.

    Thank you.

    Friday, November 9, 2012

    To My Wife

    Follow me on G+ for further updates!

    This is the letter that I wrote to my wife to hopefully better explain everything to her. As I've mentioned several times in the past, I came out to her in early 2011 and really things haven't been the same since. Of course, you can always look at my Transgender Married Life posts if you want a little more background on this topic.