Blogger, gamer, proud blond and overall transgender geek chick!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Year of Julie

Follow me on G+ for further updates!

First post of the year, so happy 2013 to everybody!

2012 was a beast of a year with going through my second year of transition (sans HRT), but for 2013 things will hopefully be the year that things finally go my way. Yes, I will continue to fight depression but I have to keep things in perspective to also fight for myself.

For 2013, I will make it the "Year of Julie"... there will be three major goals that I plan to achieve that I believe will not help me with my transition, but will also help me be a better parent and a better personal overall.

  1. Self Identity

    This is perhaps the most important goal for the year of 2013, physically becoming who I need to be. Sure, people say I look great and I pass like 90% of the time when I'm online, out in public, at work or at home... but until I actually begin hormones, have my name legally changed... I will still feel like a man. Between now and March, I will be trying to scrounge up the funds to get my name legally changed because after following some very useful instructions for changing my name in Oklahoma  I think I've finally decided on my whole legal name change, get the $150 together for the change and get this thing all done because I feel that once this happens, I will begin to feel liberated again with who I am supposed to be.

    I also think I am finally building up the courage to walk into a salon and get my hair trimmed and styled because I haven't cut my hair since Jan 2011 when I last shaved my head in my last ditch effort on trying to be a macho male because my hair is just a mess... it looks good when up, but the dead ends on the longer parts are becoming too much of an eyesore that it is driving myself and others crazy. I obviously can't go and get my hair styled with Kelly because I feel more and more socially awkward around her in public than I ever have before, but I have one or two friends I think I can go with to feel comfortable enough to let someone else touch my hair. I definitely don't want my hair too short because I love my long hair especially when I feel it on my back and I don't want it to be too dead and fall off of my head which leads me to the most important goal...

    Hormone Replacement Therapy. I finally found a good therapist here in the Oklahoma City area that can help me, unfortunately Dr. Singleton does not take Magellan Employee Assistance for free therapy sessions, but once I have the funds to go in, get my referral letter and then hit up the endocrinologist for my very expensive prescription, I will finally start to physically develop into the woman I have always meant to be... this will probably help take the edge off of my depression and anxiety and I think once I begin HRT, I'll finally try to lay down the $1200 for electrolysis hair removal...

    Oh, and if you haven't already checked out my most recent voice attempts, definitely make sure to check them out... you might laugh at one of them!

  2. Rebuild the relationship with my dad

    In a stunning turn of events at the end of 2012, my dad finally reached out to me in nearly two years of silence by sending me a birthday card back in December. I was actually quite surprised to receive the birthday card because not only was it the first birthday card my dad sent me in over four years, but my dad actually put "Julie Schippnick" on the card. Of course, while this was an important gesture for him to do, it may have just been his way of announcing he is getting married for a third time and is going to have another child that he so desperately mentioned to me for over 20 years as I grew up with him... but I won't let that stop me in trying to keep an open communication line with him. I am using my most feminine voice I can put on with him, even more feminine than my regular speaking voice like I have something to prove to him. I do want to ask him if there is anyway he can help me financially with my transition, but asking anyone for money is always an awkward experience. No, I am not going to use him but I feel like maybe it'll make up for all of the years of hiding from myself and any time I tried to express who I was growing up was always treated with what I felt like was ridicule as if I couldn't meet his expectations as a child. He always wanted me to play sports and never show emotion and there were at least over a hundred different opportunities where I tried to hint or even straight-up tell him that I always believed myself to be a girl... and I know he's read my blog so I hope that if you are reading this maybe I won't have to ask you to your face; yes, I am still very scared.

  3. Focus on my children

    I need my children, all three of them plus the one that is on the way. I need to learn to distance myself from Kelly as we go through our divorce, try to be friends with her and I must remember that the children are the most important. When I finally move into my place (looking for a roommate ), I will make sure they will have their own room so when they come over they can sleep in a room to spend the night, have toys and other things. You know it's funny I always talk about my problems with living with my soon to be ex-wife, how difficult it is, etc and how people always make comments such as, "Move to another state", or "You should move out right away", they don't know how difficult that is. First off, I don't want to leave my kids alone here in Oklahoma because even though I really hate this state with nearly every fiber of my body I can't leave them behind; secondly, when my financial situation improves, get a second card and then maybe find a place to live I will move out but I will not leave Kelly alone during the last several months of pregnancy even if she does hate me, I can't just leave--I'm sorry.
Isn't Carson a big boy in his new bed?!?!

Of course, it's not going to be easy to achieve all of these goals, but as my best friend says, "If life wasn't hard, then it'd be boring", and she is right. I just hope I don't have to go through it all alone.

And lastly, has recently been moved to another web host. If someone knows CSS/PHP and think they can take Wordpress, just reach out to me on google plus, any help would be appreciated. 

    Monday, December 3, 2012

    Before Julie: Prayers of a Child

    Follow me on G+ for further updates!

    I'm leaning to the side because I broke my arm
    a month prior to this picture and they
    wouldn't let me wear my sling, so instead
    my cast was so heavy that it made me lean,
    I was always sad as a kid, being a little boy and knowing that becoming who I was meant to be would only remain a dream unless something drastic happened. Throughout my whole life I never really considered myself to be a religious person; I did go-to church, in fact many different types of churches, and I was always taught that God had a plan for us all and the way we were was the way we were meant to be... but I didn't always buy that. I was also taught that God always hears our prayers and for some reason believe that if you prayed hard enough that your prayers were be answered.

    I always had a tough time going to bed as a child because I was sad and there were many nights that I cried wondering why God would punish me in putting me in the body of a boy when I knew I was always meant to be born as a girl. Was this a cruel joke or "lesson" God was trying to teach me? And if so, why would such a omnipotent being like God play tricks on individuals... I knew I couldn't had been the only person in the whole world of all time that felt this same way. Every single night, I would always pray... I would pray to God that when I woke up in the morning that he'd take my penis away, give me a vagina and make me a pretty girl and every morning I woke up I would lose a little bit more faith as time passed on.

    This is how I know God does not exist. If God truly existed, I would have been born female instead of male because for me to be born this way... something during my fetal development must have happened. Sure, there is no concrete proof of this but logically something must have happened.

    As my faith waned and I went on through life, I know the only person who could be in control of my own destiny (besides my dad telling me what I can and cannot do, of course) was myself and thankfully for nearly two years I have been well on my way with my journey of becoming Julie. Yes, it's been a difficult one and I do wish things happened sooner but the important thing to remember is that I am making progress. Before I was Julie was had so much doubt in myself and didn't know what tomorrow would bring, and while there are many mysteries ahead as I continue to becoming the woman I've always meant to be, I will never forget what I've been through and I always try to take my past experiences and try to take the suffering I endured and hopefully use it to strengthen who I am today.

    Monday, November 19, 2012

    Transgender Married Life, Part IV

    Follow me on G+ for further updates!

     You can read Part 3 of 'Transgender Married Life' here.

    Oh depression, why won't you go away. I take several different medications and have been on everything across the prescription rainbow but nothing can take this pain away.

    On Saturday (that is November 17, 2012), after I got off of work me and Kelly had another talk. I sometimes like the talks that we have because while they are very sad, it helps makes things more clear on where things stand between us. Our oldest kids who could understand what is going on where at their grandmother's and we just sat at the kitchen table talking. No, she hasn't given me a reaction of the letter that I wrote her, and I don't think she will anytime soon... Kelly has always been the type of person that keeps thoughts, feelings and frustrations bottled up inside until they cause harm by blowing up in an explosion of stress and anger.

    So, to make things simple for her we played a game of "Yes or No", I would ask her a simple question and she would say Yes or No... yes implying either she felt a certain way or would allow a thing to happen.

    Hugs, no.
    Kisses, no.
    Saying "I love you", no.
    Talking to me on the phone when I'm at work on breaks, no.
    Sex, no (for more complicated reasons, trust me).
    Will keep the kids away from me, no.

    Misses me, yes.
    Wishes I'd be a boy again, yes.
    Good parent, yes.
    Wishes we didn't rush into marriage, yes.

    She does miss me, when I goto work or when she is gone for long periods of times from me.. which is sweet, but bittersweet because she does want to move past me... she said that I am not the same person that  she fell in love with. She also claims she was very surprised and didn't see it coming because of an appearance I put on... forget the fact I was always very feminine before I ever came out as trans to her. I was really shocked that she was shocked when I revealed who I felt I was always meant to be. Was I really that good at pretending to be male? I always wore my emotions and feelings on my sleeves... I always enjoyed the sensitive touch of her skin on mine... maybe it was because I wasn't loved much as a child or something, I'm not quite sure.

    She still says she doesn't know where we go from her, she obviously wants to get her degree, get a good paying job and leave me... I ask her if this is she wants and she remains silent, I guess that is the tell-tale sign when my greatest fears are true... when it is something she is against, she immediately says no, but when it is something that I know she doesn't want to say, she is silent and unfortunately I am right.

    I hate being right...

    I just hope that for once I am wrong and everything will be okay...

    Tuesday, November 13, 2012

    Transphobia and You, Part II

    Follow me on G+ for further updates!

    For the first part of my series talking about transphobia, click here!

    Even before I was openly trans, transphobic statements have always bothered me. I'm not talking about the blatant name like trap, tranny, shemale, lady-boy, or anything like that, I'm talking about those insensitive jokes that people think are funny when they chuckle about how a straight man, who believes they are only attracted to women, get confused by a trans-woman. You may be wondering why I've picked this very specific example and the reason why is because I probably see this more often on places like Twitter, Reddit, and Google+.

    Specifically, last month someone, (@GuyThe_Guy) who I did follow decided to post these highly insensitive comments.

    @julie2at is me and I'm sure you know who the other person is. (Just want to shout out
    mad respect to @stuxnetsource, while we disagree on many aspects regarding
    transgender culture, her heart is always in the right place.)

    Look, I can understand that some people like to joke around, but even after a friend and myself decided to educate these types of jokes can really hurt people, much like racist or sexist jokes, he just shrugged it off. This is a completely different sort of transphobia. This is not transphobia in which a person may be simply scared of transgender folks, but this is the type that is just a lack of empathy. Would this user feel the same way if he posted a racist joke? Unfortunately, I could not find out because I was promptly blocked for simply expressing my concerns. This seems to become a trend more and more as society grows, becomes more accepting of gay culture but I feel that understanding transgendered men and women is going to take at least another decade or more before we can feel accepted in society as much as anyone else...

    So please, for this Transgender Awareness Week please be very mindful what you say in public or online because words are very powerful and can be very hurtful.

    Thank you.

    Friday, November 9, 2012

    To My Wife

    Follow me on G+ for further updates!

    This is the letter that I wrote to my wife to hopefully better explain everything to her. As I've mentioned several times in the past, I came out to her in early 2011 and really things haven't been the same since. Of course, you can always look at my Transgender Married Life posts if you want a little more background on this topic.

    Sunday, November 4, 2012

    Before Julie, Part II

    You can read Part 1 of "Before Julie" here.

    The earliest I remember in feeling I was wrong was when I was a little boy around the age four or five during my Kindergarten year.. In fact, I think I remember the exact moment I had a female experience. As a young boy, my dad was in the Air Force and during the first experience was when I was living on Sheppard Air Force Base in Wichita Falls, Texas and it was one of the days that my dad had to drop me off at the base's Day Care Center and like all of the usual things that are done at daycare, such as watch movies, play with blocks, draw, take naps, etc, it was this one particular day that I decided to play dress up with some of my friends that I knew from the time I spent at this daycare. What I wore wasn't really that strange I guess for little kids to wear and at first I just wore a really over-sized jacket which was more of gender-neutral clothing, but as we continued to play I decided to dress like a girl! I put on a big feather boa, some big pink sunglasses, a yellow shirt, a pink tutu and some red high heels on... I felt amazing; I saw myself in the mirror and I just knew it felt right!!

    I was a cute little boy, huh?
    I swear I must have stayed dressed like that for a good 45 minutes before I took them off and I only did so because at that time my dad decided to pick me up from daycare and to say he was not pleased is an understatement... of course, I'm sure he doesn't even remember this incident but I distinctively remember him being angry with me for "dressing like a girl" and yelled at me the way home explaining to me how wrong he felt it was... I know this is not only wrong because there is no reason at all to be so harsh on a young child, but it also sets a precedence for discrimination against gender roles and responsibilities.

    Some people might think this is just kids being kids, but it was much more than that. This exact moment impacted my whole life on who I am now... I'm not saying this is the only moment in my life that defined my transgenderism as there are probably ten key different experiences I've had that define who I've become. Now, I'm not trying to say that every boy or girl who does this is transgendered, because that simply isn't true but what I am saying is that parents should never discourage a child on being who they want to be unless it puts their lives in some sort of physical harm or legal trouble. I would never expect my own children to be someone they wouldn't want to be and would never pressure them to conform to some sort of image that I think they should be.

    Julie Schippnick

    Saturday, November 3, 2012

    G+eek Things - The First One!

    A few weeks ago, I attempted to do a Google Plus Hangout Show, and well, here is the first official one... ignore the pre-alpha test from before!

    Big thanks to Anthony Ramos for putting 
    up with my annoying banter. 

    Check it out, let me know what you think and if you either have suggestions for topics or would like to chat with me on a future installment of G+eek Things, just leave a comment here or let me know on my G+ profile!

    Julie Schippnick