Trigger Warning: This blog post talks about a topic that many individuals in the transgender community do not like to talk about and that is de-transitioning. It has left a "black mark" on my reputation in the trans community and I hope you will read this post without judging me. If you are an individual that is struggling with your transition and are thinking about giving up: DON'T. This situation is unique and I am mostly happy with how I am now, but I do not want this post to influence anyone to give up on their transition as their life, I guarantee, is completely different than mine. Please read this cautiously!!
My name was Julie Schippnick. I lived from April 2011 to March 2013... while I didn't make it to two years old, it was some of the craziest and best times of my personal identity. I felt free in a lot of ways but trapped at the same time. As I've mentioned previously in other blog posts and to my nearly 25,000 followers on G+ I never took the extra step of going on hormones to change my body's physiology. Friends and people I barely knew on the Internet always offered to either send me the hormones from their own supply or pay for them directly if I went to places like Planned Parenthood or medical consent clinics and I turned them down primarily for two reasons: being too scared and I didn't want to because of my wife Kelly.
If you've been following my blog for a while you'd already know that in February of this year (2013) Kelly had kicked me out and I was forced to stay in a hotel for a week because we just weren't willing to compromise on my individuality being set on becoming Julie. Both my wife and I weren't willing to budge because I wanted to be free and she just wanted her husband back; what I was doing was completely selfish in every way. Giving up the love of my life plus my perfect children just wasn't something I could go through. Imagine this: you've been married for seven years (at that time) and your spouse is telling you to leave forever and that you'd never have a normal relationship with your kids... I just couldn't do it. Well, I thought I was just going to still go through it all with getting my own apartment and transition no matter what Kelly or anyone else says and while in the end I lost my job because of my instability with my depression, anxiety, and a whole mess of different phobias I hit a low point.
After I lost my job (mind you I got fired after coming back to work from short term disability because I wasn't ready to really go back), I did get back with Kelly on the promise that I would no longer pursue being a woman and be a man again and at that time I was super certain that I could do this but as time kept going on, my hair was still long and we still had problems due to the interference of her mother I started to immediately regret my decision. What was I supposed to do? I didn't feel like anything had improved since getting back with Kelly and I told her that I still wanted to do this... so I applied for jobs all over the country and ultimately was offered a job in Philadelphia and immediately started fielding friends on various social networks I could stay with until I got in a good position to finally take care of my family and when I had to pack for my trip I packed some of my male clothes and nearly all of my female clothes because I was most certainly going to transition. I suppose fate was telling me something when the flight got cancelled and the job offer was rescinded as I could not show up for my first day of orientation. On the way home that night after Kelly picked me up some nearly two hours after my flight got cancelled, I told Kelly I would hold off on my whole transition for two years, which would have been around the time she would graduate with her Master's Degree in Psychology and that is an answer she did not want to hear.
|Dec 2012.. when I took this picture I thought everything would|
be just fine. How I kidded myself so much.. I was so naive then.
I was lucky enough to start a new job with a really nice tech company at the end of July and I was still pretty much set on re-transitioning back to Julie after that two year period and this was something that Kelly dwelled on inside of her mind for several weeks because one day when I was at work she just stopped talking to me completely via phone and text. I was really worried because any time Kelly cut herself off from communicating with me she was usually one of two things or both: angry or afraid. As she had the car at the time she dropped me off that morning, we kissed and said our "love yous" and I thought it was going to be a great day and I already knew in my mind that she was kicking me out again as this was the same thing that happened the last two times so I did what anyone else in this situation would do and I was able to secure a ride home that night and when I got home I saw all of my stuff in a laundry basket on the front porch and the locks were changed. Now, being my house I had every right to gain entry but I wasn't just going to vandalize or break a window to get in which meant I called my dad and he drove up from Altus, OK to Edmond and we got inside by breaking the lock, packed up everything else that I needed such as my computer, some more of my clothes and my personal items and headed down to Altus, OK for the next five days while I coped with what just happened.
Every day I was down there with my dad I was extremely somber and I didn't leave the bed unless I had to eat or use the toilet and as I was getting eaten up by pill bugs and who knows what else was living in that bed, I contemplated about killing myself because I was so lonely without Kelly and over that period we re-bonded via text messages, phone calls, and even Google+ hangouts from mobile and I informed her that I was thinking about just de-transitioning altogether because living without her and the kids just wasn't something I wanted to do; I would be dead inside forever. Now please be mindful, I am not trying to vilify Kelly in any way and I only see her as unfairly misguided by her evil mother. Things have been tough without any sort of income, having to sell off things I wish I didn't have to part with (Nintendo 3DS, PS3 games, Fish Tank, etc) I think things would be a million times worse if I didn't have my family.
I will miss being Julie and while that is in the past, I still consider myself transgender... maybe not genderqueer, intersexed or any of the other terms under the trans umbrella but I will not forget a single moment of what I've been through and I think I'm unique in that I was able to live a nearly two full years as a woman which allowed me to get a pretty good perspective and even more respect for what women, not just trans-women, go through every day of their life.
So thank you Julie, I love you.
|This is me now. I am reborn simply as J.|
Now this doesn't mean I'm done blogging! No, that is not going to happen but I feel like this blog is no longer home to someone who is not Julie. I am starting a new blog which you can check me out over at:
See you soon!