Blogger, gamer, proud blond and overall transgender geek chick!

Monday, November 19, 2012

Transgender Married Life, Part IV

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 You can read Part 3 of 'Transgender Married Life' here.

Oh depression, why won't you go away. I take several different medications and have been on everything across the prescription rainbow but nothing can take this pain away.

On Saturday (that is November 17, 2012), after I got off of work me and Kelly had another talk. I sometimes like the talks that we have because while they are very sad, it helps makes things more clear on where things stand between us. Our oldest kids who could understand what is going on where at their grandmother's and we just sat at the kitchen table talking. No, she hasn't given me a reaction of the letter that I wrote her, and I don't think she will anytime soon... Kelly has always been the type of person that keeps thoughts, feelings and frustrations bottled up inside until they cause harm by blowing up in an explosion of stress and anger.

So, to make things simple for her we played a game of "Yes or No", I would ask her a simple question and she would say Yes or No... yes implying either she felt a certain way or would allow a thing to happen.

Hugs, no.
Kisses, no.
Saying "I love you", no.
Talking to me on the phone when I'm at work on breaks, no.
Sex, no (for more complicated reasons, trust me).
Will keep the kids away from me, no.

Misses me, yes.
Wishes I'd be a boy again, yes.
Good parent, yes.
Wishes we didn't rush into marriage, yes.

She does miss me, when I goto work or when she is gone for long periods of times from me.. which is sweet, but bittersweet because she does want to move past me... she said that I am not the same person that  she fell in love with. She also claims she was very surprised and didn't see it coming because of an appearance I put on... forget the fact I was always very feminine before I ever came out as trans to her. I was really shocked that she was shocked when I revealed who I felt I was always meant to be. Was I really that good at pretending to be male? I always wore my emotions and feelings on my sleeves... I always enjoyed the sensitive touch of her skin on mine... maybe it was because I wasn't loved much as a child or something, I'm not quite sure.

She still says she doesn't know where we go from her, she obviously wants to get her degree, get a good paying job and leave me... I ask her if this is she wants and she remains silent, I guess that is the tell-tale sign when my greatest fears are true... when it is something she is against, she immediately says no, but when it is something that I know she doesn't want to say, she is silent and unfortunately I am right.

I hate being right...

I just hope that for once I am wrong and everything will be okay...

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