Blogger, gamer, proud blond and overall former transgender geek chick!

Friday, July 27, 2012

Transgender Married Life

It may be over.

I have been married to the same woman since the middle of 2005 and for the first six years or so I kept my desire to become a woman a secret. I have many reasons why I didn't want to tell her, but the biggest reason was that she wouldn't love me and wouldn't want to be with me...

Before my wife and I got married we dated for two weeks and there was a day that she was talking with one of our co-workers (yeah, we worked together) discussing a program they watched the previous night on Discovery Health Channel regarding transgender and transexual people... my now wife expressed how disgusted she was.. that is when I really understood on how afraid regular people can be of trans-folk.

In Dec 2010, I started to begin an affair with a girl at my previous job and I was happy to know that she accepted that I was always meant to be a woman and it would have been okay if she didn't turn out to be that type of person who couldn't clean her apartment, her cars, or her body... yeah, that didn't last long... plus she wasn't very affectionate and had worse depression than I ever had (plus I also really, REALLY missed my wife).

So when my wife and I finally decided to work on things in early 2011 we both thought that everything was going to be alright as long as we got marriage therapy which we shortly began in March of that year.

Then I decided I needed to tell her...

It started out by asking her a question, "I need to tell you something that will change our relationship forever. You said when got married that you'd love me no matter what, right?", her response was positive until she replied, "As long as it's not something like you wanting to be a woman!"... she didn't take the news well. My wife felt I was lying to her for several years and didn't understood it was just a matter of fear.

Since April of 2011 I have been full time woman (sans sexual reassignment surgery... I'll cover that at a later date as to why I don't want to go through with this) and my wife has tried to be as supportive as she can be: she buys me clothes, makeup, hair product... you name it, she will buy me things just out of kindness and sweetness (and I don't even have to ask!!), but she still has a resentment towards me.

We have already come to terms that our marriage won't last much longer, especially since as time goes on and on she feels more and more uncomfortable out in public and when we fight, oh boy, she sure goes out of her way making a point about me being a woman and how afraid she is that this is going to cause trouble for our children.

[Side note, we told our children immediately.. my oldest daughter loves, loves, LOVES it... my youngest daughter has development problems, she calls me very pretty all the time and yet, still asks me, "Is Daddy going to be a girl?", she is super sweet and I do believe she won't have any problems]

And here I am. Tonight was perhaps the final straw in our marriage. Aside from being trans, I have also fought depression and suicidal thoughts in the past and while medication does help some, my wife is very stressed and sick with gastrointestinal issues which of course cause a whole lot of external stress causers.

...but as I said at the beginning, it may all be over. Now, this doesn't mean we still won't love each other because we care and love each other so much, but I don't want to be the primary source of her stress and all I really want is her to be happy and maybe find that right man for her someday... but if we can't get along and it's causing stress for our family then I may just have to accept fate.

Well, that's it for now and I'm sure I'll cover more of this over the coming months.

Julie Schippnick