It may be over.
I have been married to the same woman since the middle of 2005 and for the first six years or so I kept my desire to become a woman a secret. I have many reasons why I didn't want to tell her, but the biggest reason was that she wouldn't love me and wouldn't want to be with me...
Before my wife and I got married we dated for two weeks and there was a day that she was talking with one of our co-workers (yeah, we worked together) discussing a program they watched the previous night on Discovery Health Channel regarding transgender and transexual people... my now wife expressed how disgusted she was.. that is when I really understood on how afraid regular people can be of trans-folk.
In Dec 2010, I started to begin an affair with a girl at my previous job and I was happy to know that she accepted that I was always meant to be a woman and it would have been okay if she didn't turn out to be that type of person who couldn't clean her apartment, her cars, or her body... yeah, that didn't last long... plus she wasn't very affectionate and had worse depression than I ever had (plus I also really, REALLY missed my wife).
So when my wife and I finally decided to work on things in early 2011 we both thought that everything was going to be alright as long as we got marriage therapy which we shortly began in March of that year.
Then I decided I needed to tell her...
It started out by asking her a question, "I need to tell you something that will change our relationship forever. You said when got married that you'd love me no matter what, right?", her response was positive until she replied, "As long as it's not something like you wanting to be a woman!"... she didn't take the news well. My wife felt I was lying to her for several years and didn't understood it was just a matter of fear.
Since April of 2011 I have been full time woman (sans sexual reassignment surgery... I'll cover that at a later date as to why I don't want to go through with this) and my wife has tried to be as supportive as she can be: she buys me clothes, makeup, hair product... you name it, she will buy me things just out of kindness and sweetness (and I don't even have to ask!!), but she still has a resentment towards me.
We have already come to terms that our marriage won't last much longer, especially since as time goes on and on she feels more and more uncomfortable out in public and when we fight, oh boy, she sure goes out of her way making a point about me being a woman and how afraid she is that this is going to cause trouble for our children.
[Side note, we told our children immediately.. my oldest daughter loves, loves, LOVES it... my youngest daughter has development problems, she calls me very pretty all the time and yet, still asks me, "Is Daddy going to be a girl?", she is super sweet and I do believe she won't have any problems]
And here I am. Tonight was perhaps the final straw in our marriage. Aside from being trans, I have also fought depression and suicidal thoughts in the past and while medication does help some, my wife is very stressed and sick with gastrointestinal issues which of course cause a whole lot of external stress causers.
...but as I said at the beginning, it may all be over. Now, this doesn't mean we still won't love each other because we care and love each other so much, but I don't want to be the primary source of her stress and all I really want is her to be happy and maybe find that right man for her someday... but if we can't get along and it's causing stress for our family then I may just have to accept fate.
Well, that's it for now and I'm sure I'll cover more of this over the coming months.
Love,
Julie Schippnick
Kids take it really well. If we bring them up to be loving, caring, and accepting of other people then it just makes the world a better place. We're in New Mexico today, where I told my daughter last night that I had started on the road to transformation, she was totally cool with it and laughed and made jokes about the shit I was going to have to learn.
ReplyDeleteIt's I very hard journey, and it's because of people like you Julie that I've found the strength to start my own journey. We're in this together and we're fighting fear, ours as well as theirs, and we're going to win.
Good luck, and remember that as much as you don't want to hurt your wife, you need to protect Julie as well. She's the one you'll still be with when the smoke clears, no matter what happens.
And that Ladies and Gentleman is why Ms. Viviana is awesome :)
DeleteHi Julie, only just found you on here :)
ReplyDeleteJust read part of this blog and I see many similarities with my own situation. My wife and I have been together almost 16 years and she knew of my history before we even dated for the first time in 1997. Before we got married she made me promise to her that my past was where it should be, in the past, I said yes.
In April 2008 my GD issues resurfaced again for the first time in 11 years and it was much worse than it ever was. But we sat down and cried, talked, and cried. We both decided for the sake of the marriage and the kids that this would be hidden away for the next 10 years or so until they've grown up. I then became this alpha male type person which I later came to hate, but 6 months ago after recovering from the previous 6 months of severe anxiety I was back here again, and yes, it was worst than before.
But getting to my point about your post. It took my wife a long time to come to terms that the man she married was never coming back and that Rachel had now moved in. Over recent months she has encouraged me to try on jumpers etc, a bra and she has even taken the time to do my makeup. Deep down though she is still resentful of the woman that took her man away from her and I don't think she'll ever accept that he's gone. Just like you I've suffered bouts of depression that have almost finished me off, but I get up again like most of us do. I am still waiting for the day when I can go full time and break out of these chains that have imprisoned me all these years.
I think many of us that are married have lived through the same situation that you are now experiencing. For some, it ends up pushing our true feelings back down deep inside to help maintain the norm. For others it means the end of a relationship that we never meant to end. Either way, painful feelings and emotions run hard and deep.
ReplyDeleteI know in my situation, I tried to show my SO who I was a week after we married. She accepted the one time thing calling it cute and funny when she help put on my makeup. She even thought it was kind of sexy too but in the end she made it very plain that she also wouldn't accept me. I immediately slammed the door shut on that part of me one because I didn't want to lose her and two she had information that could destroy my career.
Jump ahead 15 years into our relationship and after three days and nights of screaming, crying, talking and compromise she stated that she would help me become the woman I was. She did keep her word for several years but we started to drift apart till we had a discussion that brought out that she hated being married to a woman and not a man.
Unfortunately this is the true nature that breaks up relationship even long term ones. The fact that cis-women can only see themselves in a male/female relationship other than just BFFs so to speak.