Depression sucks.
At this point, I would have thought things would gotten a bit better between myself and Kelly, but honestly I don't know what to say. Kelly kept citing she was mostly upset I was transitioning because when I start HRT (hormone replacement therapy), I'd become sterile and we wouldn't be able to have anymore kids however as I write this, she is nearly ten weeks pregnant (I think), so she can no longer use this as an excuse but somehow I knew she'd still be very upset about my whole transition.
You'd think that would have made things better, but nope, she is still very adamant against this change even though it's been more than a year and a half of being Julie and full time female, except the whole part where I should have estrogen and other blockers running through my body. As more time passes and I of course become more passable I can just feel the awkward-ness she feels every time we go out in public especially when we're together and get different people say, "Hi Ladies", or some variation of this... she doesn't want people to think she's a lesbian because in her mind that is morally wrong and disgusting which of course I blame it on her Christian upbringing that she came from growing up in Oklahoma her whole life and having very close minded parents; thank the heavens the minds of our children aren't like that! The other day I asked her if she was worried about our kids and she said, "No, they're well adjusted and they seem to feel normal in their bodies."... WOW, not a very subtle insult towards me at all!
So as both Kelly and I move into the second part of my second year of being female, things have gotten worse and honestly I don't know what is going to happen next.
I made an appointment to finally see the endo to get on a prescription to start my hormones, however the doctor I found put me on a waiting list for over a month from now, and I'll have to pay $200-$250 upfront just to see the doctor and that does not include the cost of my prescription (Kelly wasn't happy about this, of course), and I've worked quite very hard at work to earn extra money to spend on myself (clothes, hair, hormones) in a way so she wouldn't guilt me about spending money (I earned nearly $800 bonuses working my ass off last month for just this purpose!), yet she's talking about buying herself some really expensive boots ... which she claimed about six months ago they were ugly until I started mentioned how I wanted to get some for myself ... it's like she is trying to spite me now. I'm not much of a money spender anymore, so I figured if I busted my butt and earned EXTRA money, with plenty of money for bills and can even save some back, she goes ahead and spends the money from my first paycheck, meant for rent, and decides to just use my big check, so this means leaving rent late by about ten days and instead buys herself things.
 |
| The boots I've been wanting for a while... suddenly Kelly wants them because I wanted them. |
I guess it's just one of those things that people go through, in-fact one of my co-workers who just started HRT is now going through a divorce so looks like I'm just becoming another statistic I was hoping wouldn't happen... and of course my depression has been hell with all of this on my mind... she's been dressing more sexy even as she is nearly done with her first trimester (which BTW, I have no problem with because she looks fantastic), but I feel like she's doing this all of a sudden to put me on some sort of guilt trip and as I laid in bed last night crying and having difficulty sleeping, I just felt like my whole world was crashing down and it didn't ever seem like I'd be able to fully become a woman because it all feels like she is doing everything in her power to stop me. Now people are already thinking, "Leave her!", and as mentioned before it is not that easy... I can't just simply leave her because it would be difficult to get a second car for just my use, pay rent on two places and not being able to see my children everyday would literally break my heart... but there has to be something I can do or find someone else who could help me.
Well, that is my rant for today... thanks everyone for reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment