I think tonight me and Kelly had a huge breaking point. Remember those boots I mentioned in my last post? Well, Kelly got them.
Anyways here is the beginning of the night as soon as I got off work:
Kelly picked me up around 9:42pm CT and I mentioned how crappy I felt all day; my stomach, my head, the eye on the right that I still can't see very well out of.. all of it. I didn't feel very motivated at work but at least I was off work and can spend time with Kelly! So then we went to pick up our kids from their grandmothers and all was good. Sure, I was arguing with people on Twitter at that time (you should really check THOSE posts out, yeesh!) and for the most part, it wasn't bothering me too much. Kelly and I then drove to the local Neighborhood Market and that is when I noticed that Kelly had got the boots... I was completely jealous and made a point to her how jealous I was... and little did I know this night would go in a horrible direction.
Kelly replied, "That's not all I have to deal with." I was wondering what I meant, but for the next 20 minutes or so we had a pretty big argument. She said she feels good about her body, even though of course she has been vomiting up her weight for the past two and a half years and progressively losing weight... I told her at least I've been trying to deal with my problems (transition, depression, anger problems) by the use of anti-depressants... no hormones yet. She then quipped that at least she can be happy with her body "without cutting off parts of my body and taking pills", this obviously an insult towards trans people who sometimes go through a sexual reassignment surgery where some male-to-female transwomen will have their penises removed... I never want to do that (too scared, too expensive, too ick)... and of course the pills comment was about hormones. She said everyone she talks to is against me, thinks I am the problem because I was too scared to tell I was trans for over five years, she said how much her therapist hates me (seriously? how professional is that?!), her mom hates me (has since we got married), and all of her friends just simply hate me.
Wow.
So much for my side of the story eh?
I'm not completely innocent, she said that she can understand a lot but she still can't fathom of being born in the wrong body and how morally wrong it was. I called her out for being close minded and for being, "a small-minded peon"... yeah not my proudest but I just wasn't going to take it and just lay there. On our way home, she accused me of giving her an STD towards the beginning of our marriage (years before I did have a two-and-a-half week affair, and no, there was no sex) and of course, outside of our house. There was a lot of accusations, a lot of hitting (I punched my upper calves a lot in the car when I mentioned how many times she's used physical force, not in an aggressive way) and a lot of crying on my part... I went upstairs, yelling at her and yelling at myself and I just started to cry. I ran through my whole head on worthless I really am and how I can do nothing right.
I do a bad job at being as kid, an adult, a boy, a girl, a student, a husband, a father, a mother, a wife, a friend... I just feel like I'm not very good at anything. Sure, the anti-depressants have helped me and therapy has helped... but at this point I wonder if there is any reason to live anymore. I probably won't end my life, but I just feel hopeless.
Since the past couple of hours, Kelly and I have talked a bit and she's sleeping on the couch right now while in the middle of her working on her school work... but it just gets worse, it doesn't get better...
Julie Schippnick
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