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Blogger, gamer, proud blond and overall transgender geek chick!

Monday, December 3, 2012

Before Julie: Prayers of a Child

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I'm leaning to the side because I broke my arm
a month prior to this picture and they
wouldn't let me wear my sling, so instead
my cast was so heavy that it made me lean,
I was always sad as a kid, being a little boy and knowing that becoming who I was meant to be would only remain a dream unless something drastic happened. Throughout my whole life I never really considered myself to be a religious person; I did go-to church, in fact many different types of churches, and I was always taught that God had a plan for us all and the way we were was the way we were meant to be... but I didn't always buy that. I was also taught that God always hears our prayers and for some reason believe that if you prayed hard enough that your prayers were be answered.

I always had a tough time going to bed as a child because I was sad and there were many nights that I cried wondering why God would punish me in putting me in the body of a boy when I knew I was always meant to be born as a girl. Was this a cruel joke or "lesson" God was trying to teach me? And if so, why would such a omnipotent being like God play tricks on individuals... I knew I couldn't had been the only person in the whole world of all time that felt this same way. Every single night, I would always pray... I would pray to God that when I woke up in the morning that he'd take my penis away, give me a vagina and make me a pretty girl and every morning I woke up I would lose a little bit more faith as time passed on.

This is how I know God does not exist. If God truly existed, I would have been born female instead of male because for me to be born this way... something during my fetal development must have happened. Sure, there is no concrete proof of this but logically something must have happened.

As my faith waned and I went on through life, I know the only person who could be in control of my own destiny (besides my dad telling me what I can and cannot do, of course) was myself and thankfully for nearly two years I have been well on my way with my journey of becoming Julie. Yes, it's been a difficult one and I do wish things happened sooner but the important thing to remember is that I am making progress. Before I was Julie was had so much doubt in myself and didn't know what tomorrow would bring, and while there are many mysteries ahead as I continue to becoming the woman I've always meant to be, I will never forget what I've been through and I always try to take my past experiences and try to take the suffering I endured and hopefully use it to strengthen who I am today.




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