First post of the year, so happy 2013 to everybody!
2012 was a beast of a year with going through my second year of transition (sans HRT), but for 2013 things will hopefully be the year that things finally go my way. Yes, I will continue to fight depression but I have to keep things in perspective to also fight for myself.
For 2013, I will make it the "Year of Julie"... there will be three major goals that I plan to achieve that I believe will not help me with my transition, but will also help me be a better parent and a better personal overall.
- Self Identity
This is perhaps the most important goal for the year of 2013, physically becoming who I need to be. Sure, people say I look great and I pass like 90% of the time when I'm online, out in public, at work or at home... but until I actually begin hormones, have my name legally changed... I will still feel like a man. Between now and March, I will be trying to scrounge up the funds to get my name legally changed because after following some very useful instructions for changing my name in Oklahoma I think I've finally decided on my whole legal name change, get the $150 together for the change and get this thing all done because I feel that once this happens, I will begin to feel liberated again with who I am supposed to be.
I also think I am finally building up the courage to walk into a salon and get my hair trimmed and styled because I haven't cut my hair since Jan 2011 when I last shaved my head in my last ditch effort on trying to be a macho male because my hair is just a mess... it looks good when up, but the dead ends on the longer parts are becoming too much of an eyesore that it is driving myself and others crazy. I obviously can't go and get my hair styled with Kelly because I feel more and more socially awkward around her in public than I ever have before, but I have one or two friends I think I can go with to feel comfortable enough to let someone else touch my hair. I definitely don't want my hair too short because I love my long hair especially when I feel it on my back and I don't want it to be too dead and fall off of my head which leads me to the most important goal...
Hormone Replacement Therapy. I finally found a good therapist here in the Oklahoma City area that can help me, unfortunately Dr. Singleton does not take Magellan Employee Assistance for free therapy sessions, but once I have the funds to go in, get my referral letter and then hit up the endocrinologist for my very expensive prescription, I will finally start to physically develop into the woman I have always meant to be... this will probably help take the edge off of my depression and anxiety and I think once I begin HRT, I'll finally try to lay down the $1200 for electrolysis hair removal...
Oh, and if you haven't already checked out my most recent voice attempts, definitely make sure to check them out... you might laugh at one of them!
- Rebuild the relationship with my dad
In a stunning turn of events at the end of 2012, my dad finally reached out to me in nearly two years of silence by sending me a birthday card back in December. I was actually quite surprised to receive the birthday card because not only was it the first birthday card my dad sent me in over four years, but my dad actually put "Julie Schippnick" on the card. Of course, while this was an important gesture for him to do, it may have just been his way of announcing he is getting married for a third time and is going to have another child that he so desperately mentioned to me for over 20 years as I grew up with him... but I won't let that stop me in trying to keep an open communication line with him. I am using my most feminine voice I can put on with him, even more feminine than my regular speaking voice like I have something to prove to him. I do want to ask him if there is anyway he can help me financially with my transition, but asking anyone for money is always an awkward experience. No, I am not going to use him but I feel like maybe it'll make up for all of the years of hiding from myself and any time I tried to express who I was growing up was always treated with what I felt like was ridicule as if I couldn't meet his expectations as a child. He always wanted me to play sports and never show emotion and there were at least over a hundred different opportunities where I tried to hint or even straight-up tell him that I always believed myself to be a girl... and I know he's read my blog so I hope that if you are reading this maybe I won't have to ask you to your face; yes, I am still very scared.
- Focus on my children
I need my children, all three of them plus the one that is on the way. I need to learn to distance myself from Kelly as we go through our divorce, try to be friends with her and I must remember that the children are the most important. When I finally move into my place (looking for a roommate ), I will make sure they will have their own room so when they come over they can sleep in a room to spend the night, have toys and other things. You know it's funny I always talk about my problems with living with my soon to be ex-wife, how difficult it is, etc and how people always make comments such as, "Move to another state", or "You should move out right away", they don't know how difficult that is. First off, I don't want to leave my kids alone here in Oklahoma because even though I really hate this state with nearly every fiber of my body I can't leave them behind; secondly, when my financial situation improves, get a second card and then maybe find a place to live I will move out but I will not leave Kelly alone during the last several months of pregnancy even if she does hate me, I can't just leave--I'm sorry.
|Isn't Carson a big boy in his new bed?!?!|
Of course, it's not going to be easy to achieve all of these goals, but as my best friend says, "If life wasn't hard, then it'd be boring", and she is right. I just hope I don't have to go through it all alone.
And lastly, TransStories.com has recently been moved to another web host. If someone knows CSS/PHP and think they can take Wordpress, just reach out to me on google plus, any help would be appreciated.